1 00:00:52,060 --> 00:00:54,330 Oh, I remember it now! 2 00:00:54,380 --> 00:00:56,210 Oh, go on. 3 00:00:56,260 --> 00:01:00,850 So, there's this fella and he's buying this face cream... 4 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:03,250 ~ Yeah? ~ And he says to the woman behind the counter, 5 00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:06,450 "This stuff's marvellous. I've only been using it a few weeks. 6 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,930 "You'll never guess how old I am." 7 00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:11,090 And she says "Oh... 36?" 8 00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:14,410 He says, "No, I'm 47!" 9 00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:18,210 And she goes, "Oh, that's wonderful, I must try some of that myself." 10 00:01:18,260 --> 00:01:20,650 Anyway, next off he goes on to the post office 11 00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,690 and he gets chatting to the fella behind the counter and he says, 12 00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:26,930 "You want to try some of this face cream I've been using. 13 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,970 "You'll never guess how old I am." 14 00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:33,370 And the fella behind the counter says, "Oh... 35?" 15 00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,970 He says, "No, I'm 47!" 16 00:01:36,020 --> 00:01:37,930 And the fella behind the counter says, 17 00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:40,810 "Oh, that's wonderful. I'll have to get some of that myself." 18 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:43,210 And he's just leaving post office 19 00:01:43,260 --> 00:01:45,930 and he bumps into this little old lady. 20 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,250 Oh, aye. 21 00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:50,250 And he says to her, "I bet you can't guess how old I am." 22 00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:54,730 And she says, "Well, I probably can, but I'm just going to have to put 23 00:01:54,780 --> 00:01:57,690 "my hand down the front of your trousers." 24 00:01:57,740 --> 00:02:00,810 And he's like, "Oh... OK." 25 00:02:00,860 --> 00:02:06,060 So she puts her hand down inside his trousers and has a bit of a... 26 00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:09,410 .. rummage around. 27 00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:13,610 And then, after two or three minutes, she says, 28 00:02:13,660 --> 00:02:15,410 "You're 47!" 29 00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:20,050 And he says, "Good Lord, how do you know? How can you tell?" 30 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:23,460 And she says, "I was stood behind you in the chemist." 31 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,250 Hey! I never told you. 32 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:49,090 Our Gillian's got a date. 33 00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:51,050 Has she? Who with? 34 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,770 ~ I've kept you waiting. ~ No! 35 00:02:52,820 --> 00:02:54,380 I'm really sorry. 36 00:02:55,580 --> 00:02:56,730 Let me get you a drink. 37 00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:58,130 No, no, no, no! Let me. 38 00:02:58,180 --> 00:03:00,370 Oh, you've already... 39 00:03:00,420 --> 00:03:01,930 A fella. 40 00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:03,980 Well, that's something in itself. 41 00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:07,690 God, this is really embarrassing. 42 00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:09,340 Is it? Why? 43 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,290 Gary, he's called. 44 00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:14,650 ~ Mmmm... ~ Gary Jackson. 45 00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,450 I'd forgotten it was Valentine's Day. 46 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:18,780 Forgotten? 47 00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:22,650 It's one of those things that goes right over my head. 48 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,530 Where did she met him? 49 00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:30,090 Oh, he came into the shop once or twice, then he's asked her out. 50 00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:32,130 Not that I didn't want to ask you out. 51 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:33,650 But it wasn't... 52 00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:35,650 It shouldn't have been obviously, 53 00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:39,010 quite so obvious or full-on as that would seem to suggest. 54 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,410 ~ And now I've offended you. ~ No! 55 00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:42,770 I'm such a... 56 00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:45,410 No, no, you haven't, Gary. Honestly. 57 00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:46,770 I just... 58 00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:49,810 I wanted a chance just to talk to you and now... 59 00:03:49,860 --> 00:03:51,250 ~ It's fine. ~ Is it? 60 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:54,690 It'd take more than that to offend me. Really, believe me. 61 00:03:54,740 --> 00:03:57,250 I've been offended by people who really know 62 00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:59,180 what they're talking about. 63 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:02,650 You look really nice. 64 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,220 So do you. 65 00:04:05,940 --> 00:04:08,730 I've booked a table for two. 66 00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:10,210 Half past seven. 67 00:04:10,260 --> 00:04:11,620 Gary Jackson. 68 00:04:13,940 --> 00:04:16,170 TELEVISION: Your bonuses are on quantum physics. 69 00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:19,090 Heisenberg's original uncertainty relation concerned 70 00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:22,050 which two observable properties of a particle? 71 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,250 Position and momentum. 72 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,330 ~ TELEVISION: ~ Yeah, location and momentum. 73 00:04:25,380 --> 00:04:28,090 Position and momentum is correct, yes. 74 00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:30,530 Quantitatively, the product of the two uncertainties 75 00:04:30,580 --> 00:04:34,690 is always greater than or equal to the unreduced Planck's constant, 76 00:04:34,740 --> 00:04:36,330 H, divided by what number? 77 00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:37,980 Four pi. 78 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,170 Come along. 79 00:04:41,220 --> 00:04:43,170 Let's have it, please. 80 00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:44,490 Four pi. 81 00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:45,850 Quickly. 82 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:48,050 MUMBLES: It's four pi! Hello! 83 00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:50,330 ~ TELEVISION: Speed of light? ~ It's four pi. 84 00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:51,690 No shit. 85 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:53,260 I'm turning this off. 86 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,410 Oh, guess what! 87 00:04:57,460 --> 00:04:58,930 Gillian's got a date. 88 00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:00,490 Has she? Gillian? 89 00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:01,850 ~ This bloke just... ~ What bloke? 90 00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:05,090 .. came into the shop, apparently, and asked her out. 91 00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:06,610 Oh, that's romantic. 92 00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:08,330 ~ Is it? ~ Isn't it? 93 00:05:08,380 --> 00:05:10,090 Oh, it's very Gillian. 94 00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:12,370 I can never work out whether you love Gillian to bits, 95 00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:14,650 or if you think she's a complete plonker. 96 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,890 Well, it's kind of... 97 00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:18,300 both. 98 00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:25,220 I've got something else for you... 99 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,610 .. as well as the card and the flowers and the chocolate. 100 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:30,980 What? 101 00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,140 (OK.) 102 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,490 You know Christmas? 103 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:40,820 Yeah. 104 00:05:42,380 --> 00:05:45,380 I was so happy when, you know... 105 00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:48,930 And I was thinking, 106 00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:51,740 with the baby nearly due and everything... 107 00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:55,620 Should... 108 00:05:57,780 --> 00:05:58,900 Shall... 109 00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:05,370 Why don't we get married? 110 00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:06,460 Properly... 111 00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:09,900 .. married. 112 00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:15,290 Is that a...? 113 00:06:15,340 --> 00:06:16,820 What is that? 114 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:31,810 OK. 115 00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,610 I'm going to tell you this thing that happened to me recently. 116 00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:35,690 OK. 117 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:37,340 ~ It's a story. ~ Yeah... 118 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:41,730 My mother died. 119 00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:44,100 Oh, God, I'm sorry. 120 00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:48,860 This is six, seven months ago. August, August 15th. 121 00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:51,490 Er, she was 77. 122 00:06:51,540 --> 00:06:52,810 She'd been ill. 123 00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:55,970 And anyway, I was sorting through the house, going through her things, 124 00:06:56,020 --> 00:06:57,730 me and my brother. 125 00:06:57,780 --> 00:06:59,610 And I found a marriage certificate, 126 00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:01,450 her and my dad's marriage certificate, 127 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,930 in an old biscuit tin under the stairs, 128 00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:07,810 which I'd never seen before, not surprisingly because... 129 00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:11,130 it turns out they got married not in 1966 130 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:14,890 when they'd always told us they'd got married, but in 1967. 131 00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:17,250 Exact same date they'd always celebrated, 132 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:18,930 but one whole year later, 133 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,850 which would also mean that when they got married... 134 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,970 she was already pregnant, four or five months... 135 00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:26,450 with me. 136 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:28,250 You know, these things happen. 137 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:29,570 Well, less so then. 138 00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:30,980 No, it's a myth. 139 00:07:32,580 --> 00:07:33,770 Does it matter? 140 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:36,250 Yeah. No, well, no, not in itself. 141 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:38,490 OK. 142 00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:41,570 So, anyway, I just happened to mention this to my Auntie Jean, 143 00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:42,850 my dad's sister. 144 00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:45,450 She's in her eighties, 85, she lives up Siddal. 145 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,730 This was over Christmas. 146 00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:51,570 Anyway, I said it and she went a bit quiet. 147 00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:54,490 And then, eventually, eventually, she said... 148 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:57,330 "Well, I suppose if I don't tell you, 149 00:07:57,380 --> 00:07:59,500 "there's no-one left that can." 150 00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:03,810 "Gordon wasn't your real dad." 151 00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:05,770 (No way!) 152 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,770 ~ Yeah. ~ Wow. God. 153 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:12,490 Apparently, my mother had a relationship, a fling, 154 00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:14,650 with a man who was married. 155 00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:17,210 And then she went and got pregnant with me. 156 00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:20,330 And my dad, being my dad, or the man who I always thought was my dad, 157 00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:23,970 he, he, he'd always had a soft spot for her 158 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:26,410 and they were friends and basically... 159 00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:29,410 he must've agreed to pretend that I was his. 160 00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:32,500 My God. So that's... Wow, so that's, er... 161 00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:35,650 .. a shock. 162 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:39,940 He was a nice man, my dad, I never had any reason to imagine that... 163 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,090 Well, why would you? 164 00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:44,690 So? 165 00:08:44,740 --> 00:08:45,970 So I said to my Auntie Jean, 166 00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:48,370 "Well, who was my real dad, then? 167 00:08:48,420 --> 00:08:50,770 "This man that was married." 168 00:08:50,820 --> 00:08:53,170 And she said... 169 00:08:53,220 --> 00:08:55,260 "It was that Buttershaw fella." 170 00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:01,250 I mean, it's a long time ago, obviously, but she seemed very sure. 171 00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,970 And so the thing is... 172 00:09:04,020 --> 00:09:05,820 Hang on. Hang on. 173 00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:09,490 Which Buttershaw fella? 174 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:10,940 Your dad. 175 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,850 In 1966? 176 00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:17,210 ~ Yeah. ~ No. 177 00:09:17,260 --> 00:09:19,250 No, er... 178 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:22,210 He married my mum in 1957. 179 00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:24,050 Yeah, well, OK. But... 180 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,650 Do you know how many Buttershaws there are round here? 181 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,130 I do, yeah. 182 00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:30,340 Can I just get to the end of the story? 183 00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:34,090 OK, go on. 184 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,890 So when she said, "It was that Buttershaw fella", I said, "Who?" 185 00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:40,210 and, and, and she said, 186 00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:41,860 "Him in the Courier." 187 00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:52,700 "Celia and Alan find wedded bliss after 60 years." 188 00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:56,140 She said, "That's him." 189 00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:03,130 Is she senile? 190 00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:05,210 No. She can't get about like she did, 191 00:10:05,260 --> 00:10:07,140 but mentally, she's bright as a button. 192 00:10:08,220 --> 00:10:11,490 OK. What you, er... 193 00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:14,450 Bless your auntie, but what you have to understand, 194 00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:15,700 Gary... 195 00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:19,970 .. is that my dad isn't like that. 196 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:23,010 Well, I don't know, obviously. I've... 197 00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:24,330 I've not met him. 198 00:10:24,380 --> 00:10:25,610 It sounds to me... 199 00:10:25,660 --> 00:10:27,690 I'm just telling you what she's said. 200 00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:29,450 It does sound to me like 201 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:33,610 she's seen a photo of somebody in the paper 202 00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:35,660 and she's just latched on to it. 203 00:10:37,940 --> 00:10:39,130 Would he do a blood test? 204 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,650 No. 205 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:42,890 Look, Gillian, I don't want anything, Gillian. 206 00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:45,010 I just... 207 00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:47,650 It's just that, now I've started getting a little bit used 208 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:51,620 to the idea that my dad wasn't my dad... 209 00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:54,860 .. I want to know where I came from. 210 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:57,930 Oh, hang on. 211 00:10:57,980 --> 00:11:00,290 So that day when we got chatting in Greenhoughs... 212 00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:02,170 Yeah, that was... Yeah. 213 00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,180 Yeah, that wasn't entirely... 214 00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:08,770 A friend of mine recognised you from the picture in the Courier. 215 00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:12,420 And after I'd told him this business that my auntie'd said... 216 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:17,410 I didn't know it was Valentine's Day when I suggested tonight! 217 00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:20,580 And I'm really sorry if you got the wrong idea. 218 00:11:21,980 --> 00:11:23,490 And I approached you rather than him 219 00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:25,810 cos in the Courier it said that he'd had a heart attack. 220 00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:28,170 So I didn't want to go giving him a shock, obviously. 221 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,740 Well, that's, er... 222 00:11:32,980 --> 00:11:34,570 He loved my mum. 223 00:11:34,620 --> 00:11:37,180 They were nice, happy people. 224 00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:40,780 I'd just been born in 1965. 225 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,420 He wouldn't have been mucking about with somebody! 226 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,020 And you couldn't broach it with him? 227 00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:53,940 She's barking up the wrong tree. 228 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:13,170 Are you up? 229 00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:16,130 I'm just taking Alan a cup of tea in bed. 230 00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:18,450 Just quickly, Kate and... 231 00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:19,850 Oh, did you have a nice evening? 232 00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:21,610 ~ Perfect. ~ Good. 233 00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:23,370 ~ Kate... ~ Aren't we boring? 234 00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:24,930 No, you're lovely. 235 00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:26,930 I know what they were all thinking. 236 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,610 "Dozy old beggars." 237 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:30,570 ~ All who? ~ In the restaurant. 238 00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:32,010 I couldn't give a monkey's. 239 00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:33,410 No, well, that's... 240 00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:35,410 That's one of the joys of getting older. 241 00:12:35,460 --> 00:12:37,650 You'll find you give less and less of a monkey's. 242 00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:39,610 Yeah, good. Sorry, I'm in a rush, Mum. 243 00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:41,930 You won't like this but me and Kate, we're going to... 244 00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,410 We're going to h-have, h-have... 245 00:12:43,460 --> 00:12:44,890 ~ A bath? ~ No. 246 00:12:44,940 --> 00:12:46,730 ~ A party? ~ No. 247 00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:48,410 A fortnight in the Bananas? 248 00:12:48,460 --> 00:12:51,210 We're going to get married. So, er... 249 00:12:51,260 --> 00:12:52,900 So we've chosen a date. 250 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,730 Why do you assume I wouldn't like it? 251 00:12:56,780 --> 00:12:59,530 Well, I know you're... I know it's all, you know... 252 00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:01,690 outside your comfort zone. 253 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,450 I don't know why you think that. 254 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:06,500 There's no-one more broad-minded than me and Alan. 255 00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:09,610 What's so funny? 256 00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:11,290 No, I'm pleased. 257 00:13:11,340 --> 00:13:13,850 I know you like to think I'm stuck in the Dark Ages... 258 00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:15,210 Well... 259 00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:16,450 Well, what? 260 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,810 No, I'm pleased. I am, I'm pleased. 261 00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:22,180 I often flick through the G2 when Alan buys a Guardian. 262 00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:25,570 It won't be a big do, it'll be very discreet. 263 00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:28,370 Just immediate family and one or two friends. 264 00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:31,930 ~ OK. ~ So, the Friday of half term. Hopefully. 265 00:13:31,980 --> 00:13:34,450 We're going to see if we can book a nice little function room 266 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:35,860 in a nice little hotel. 267 00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:38,810 It's... I just... 268 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:40,530 We felt that, with the baby on its way, 269 00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:42,370 we ought to make it as official as we can. 270 00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:44,850 Then it's, you know, it's official. 271 00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:47,410 What will it call you when it arrives? The baby. 272 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:48,850 Will you be its dad? 273 00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,220 No, I'll be its mum. 274 00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:53,450 I'll... 275 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,170 It'll have two mums. 276 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:57,420 ~ Won't it get confused? ~ No. 277 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,570 A child needs a father. 278 00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:02,770 Mum, gay couples bring up children all the time. 279 00:14:02,820 --> 00:14:04,290 It's perfectly normal. 280 00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:06,610 No, it's not normal, is it? 281 00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,410 That's not the right word. 282 00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:11,170 It's becoming increasingly normal. 283 00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:14,530 It'll have two very responsible, mature, loving parents. 284 00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:17,130 ~ And that's... ~ Oh. ~ .. all that matters. 285 00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:18,530 But no dad? 286 00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,810 No dad. What the hell is so fantastic about dads? 287 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,090 Look at my dad, look at John! They're a liability. 288 00:14:24,140 --> 00:14:25,570 Alan's not a bad dad. 289 00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:27,010 No, well, Gillian's very lucky. 290 00:14:27,060 --> 00:14:29,370 I sometimes think you've turned out the way you have 291 00:14:29,420 --> 00:14:30,730 because of your dad. 292 00:14:30,780 --> 00:14:32,570 Do you? 293 00:14:32,620 --> 00:14:35,450 Well, he wasn't a role model, was he, your father? 294 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,650 ~ I thought you thought it was your fault. ~ My fault? No. 295 00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:40,610 Kate said that when you went round to her house 296 00:14:40,660 --> 00:14:42,650 to apologise after you'd fallen out with Alan, 297 00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,730 you said you were worried it was all your fault. 298 00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:48,730 Yes, because of your dad being ineffectual as a man. 299 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:53,010 So I projected things, ideas and expectations, onto you. 300 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,930 Oh, so that's my dad's fault, 301 00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:57,090 that you projected "expectations"? 302 00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:58,890 Yeah, in a sense. 303 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,650 In a very obvious sense. 304 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,050 I thought you were in a rush. 305 00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,330 Yeah, but you do know that's all bollocks, don't you? 306 00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:06,530 I was born this way, to quote Lady Gaga. 307 00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:07,770 Oh, I like Lady Gaga. 308 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,930 ~ Do you? ~ Mmmm, she's nuts. 309 00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:11,060 I'm going now. 310 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,330 She reckons to be a lesbian. 311 00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:17,530 I'll bet she isn't, no more than you are. 312 00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:18,650 You know... 313 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,050 I'm going to work. 314 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,260 OK. Tata, love. 315 00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:27,370 Guess the latest. 316 00:15:27,420 --> 00:15:32,890 Nigel Farage has thrown in the towel after realising it's not 1957. 317 00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:34,810 No. 318 00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:37,890 They're getting "married". 319 00:15:37,940 --> 00:15:39,610 The lesbians. 320 00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:41,730 Aww! 321 00:15:41,780 --> 00:15:43,690 "A little do," she says. 322 00:15:43,740 --> 00:15:45,250 Thank God. 323 00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,810 Are we going all Atilla the Hun again, dear? 324 00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:49,660 Oh, they do what they want. 325 00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:54,820 I told her, I said, "We're very broad-minded, me and Alan." 326 00:15:57,620 --> 00:16:00,130 Why are you smiling? 327 00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:02,530 I think they're very well suited. 328 00:16:02,580 --> 00:16:06,340 Well, apart from the fact that they're both women, yes, possibly. 329 00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:09,730 I thought we'd gone beyond this. 330 00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:12,850 It's for the baby. It's so it's all official. 331 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,210 I said, "Oh, will you be the father?" 332 00:16:15,260 --> 00:16:16,930 HE TUTS 333 00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:19,050 She didn't like that. 334 00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,610 They're both going to be mums. 335 00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:25,050 I said, "Well, it'll get very confused". 336 00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:27,010 Will it 'eck. 337 00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:30,570 No, I suppose one black one, one white one... 338 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,700 it'll soon know its colours. 339 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,580 More tea, archbishop? 340 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,220 Aye, go on. 341 00:16:42,260 --> 00:16:46,250 Then we'll have to get our skates on or Harry will wonder where we are. 342 00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,130 What time's he due in court? 343 00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:50,370 Dozy sod. 344 00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:51,530 Oh, I knew they'd be late. 345 00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:53,610 I said they should've driven over last night 346 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:55,050 so there wouldn't be a panic. 347 00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,340 Yeah, well, I'm here now, so come on. 348 00:16:58,460 --> 00:17:01,450 I could've rung our Yvonne, but she'd not have come. 349 00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:04,850 She'd have said, "Call a taxi," which is all very well and good, 350 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,330 but it's moral support you want as much as anything. 351 00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:09,690 'Course it is. 352 00:17:09,740 --> 00:17:11,810 And she won't want the humiliation. 353 00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:13,650 Oh, Harry, you made a mistake. 354 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,250 It was a mistake! Anyone could've done it. 355 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,330 That were the first thing the lockkeeper said. 356 00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:21,930 What time you meeting your solicitor? 357 00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:23,850 Oh... 358 00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:27,210 That over-priced pillock. Ten to. 359 00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:29,130 Eh, how did you get on last night? 360 00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:30,690 Didn't you have a date? 361 00:17:30,740 --> 00:17:32,890 Oh, yeah. Er... 362 00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:34,900 Turns out he's not my sort. 363 00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:38,210 I thought you liked all sorts. 364 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:39,460 No. 365 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,180 Not always. 366 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,620 Harry. Did you... 367 00:17:47,740 --> 00:17:49,610 You and me dad... 368 00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:52,450 did you ever know a Mary Kershaw, 369 00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,170 from up Siddal? 370 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:57,210 I don't think I ever knew anyone from up Siddal. Why? 371 00:17:57,260 --> 00:17:58,610 Ey up. 372 00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:00,300 Where've you been? 373 00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:06,010 You've got a phone call with Alec Bracewell 374 00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:09,450 from the Independent Schools Association in ten minutes. 375 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,090 They're after you delivering the keynote lecture 376 00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:13,690 at the conference in March. 377 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:16,610 You're seeing Cressida Wade's parents at 9:45, 378 00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,410 your HODs meeting is at break, 379 00:18:18,460 --> 00:18:20,930 then you've got the architects in again at 11 o'clock. 380 00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:23,450 And then you've got the year reps. 381 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:26,410 Oh, and then first thing after lunch, 382 00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:27,860 you're teaching! 383 00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:31,250 Good God, am I? 384 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:33,770 Oh, and your step-sister rang on your mobile. 385 00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:35,130 Gillian? 386 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:38,090 She said she's sorry to be ringing you when you're working, 387 00:18:38,140 --> 00:18:39,570 but can you ring her back, ASAP? 388 00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:40,940 It's important. 389 00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:44,490 I told you I'd never get in the back of that bloody thing! 390 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,370 I don't know why they bother pretending 391 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:47,610 sports cars have a back seat. 392 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,860 It's nobbut a shelf for your shopping. 393 00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:56,570 So you're going to be all right without this for an hour or two? 394 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,570 Yeah, like I say, I've a ewe to take to the vet. 395 00:18:59,620 --> 00:19:02,650 So long as you don't mind me wedging her in the passenger seat? 396 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:03,970 Celia? 397 00:19:04,020 --> 00:19:07,370 Yeah, you could probably get two more on the back seat, 398 00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:08,610 back shelf, as well. 399 00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:11,650 Yeah, I'll lay a bit of straw down and then it won't make so much mess. 400 00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,100 ~ Yeah! ~ Yeah, you're both so funny. 401 00:19:15,860 --> 00:19:18,890 Right, you just remember to mind your Ps and Qs, Harry! 402 00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,850 Be polite to the judge. 403 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,570 PHONE RINGS 404 00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:24,570 (Oh, shit.) 405 00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:26,610 ~ Caroline! ~ PHONE: Gillian. 406 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,810 ~ Oh, is it Caroline? ~ Can I ring you back? 407 00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:30,090 In, like, ten minutes. 408 00:19:30,140 --> 00:19:32,330 Beverley said you said it's important. 409 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,090 It is. It is. 410 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,210 Can you just give us ten minutes? 411 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:38,650 Well, ring me back when you're ready. I'm in my office. 412 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:40,380 OK, I will! Tata. 413 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:44,180 Good luck! Break a leg! 414 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,820 Dozy sod. 415 00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,130 So, that's it. 416 00:19:56,180 --> 00:19:58,410 I left the restaurant. I walked out. 417 00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:01,690 Thing is, though, if I don't broach the subject with my dad, he will. 418 00:20:01,740 --> 00:20:03,250 And then what? 419 00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,210 Well, look, either he is or he isn't. 420 00:20:05,260 --> 00:20:07,210 And if he isn't, he'll just laugh, surely. 421 00:20:07,260 --> 00:20:09,450 And if he is, well... 422 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,210 it's not going to come as a surprise to him, is it? 423 00:20:12,260 --> 00:20:14,490 He knows whether or not he had a fling. 424 00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,050 Yeah, but he just wouldn't. 425 00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,330 Oh, when my mum told me about my dad being a bit of a one, 426 00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:19,810 I couldn't take it in. 427 00:20:19,860 --> 00:20:22,730 "My dad?! Not my dad. My dad wouldn't do something like that." 428 00:20:22,780 --> 00:20:24,860 But he had. He did. 429 00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,010 And more than once. 430 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,570 Did he... 431 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:31,170 What? 432 00:20:31,220 --> 00:20:33,450 .. have other kids, another family? 433 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,210 Oh, no, no, nothing... 434 00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:36,890 Well, not that I know of. 435 00:20:36,940 --> 00:20:39,580 Well, you wouldn't necessarily, would you? 436 00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:46,970 There was this... 437 00:20:47,020 --> 00:20:49,050 thing... 438 00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:52,620 last night when we were talking. 439 00:20:54,060 --> 00:20:55,580 What thing? 440 00:20:56,940 --> 00:20:58,810 What was your mother's name? 441 00:20:58,860 --> 00:21:01,090 Before she married your dad? 442 00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:02,940 Kershaw. Mary Kershaw. 443 00:21:05,460 --> 00:21:06,580 What was she like? 444 00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:10,970 Oh, well, she had a great sense of humour. 445 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:12,570 No, I mean, what did she look like? 446 00:21:12,620 --> 00:21:15,090 Oh, yeah, no. Well, she was quite attractive. I've got a... 447 00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:16,820 ~ Have you got a photo? ~ Yeah. 448 00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:28,500 When I was little, we had a bureau at the top of the stairs. 449 00:21:30,020 --> 00:21:32,580 And I used to entertain myself for hours... 450 00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:37,330 .. going through all the little drawers and tiny cupboards. 451 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,740 There was all sorts. 452 00:21:40,820 --> 00:21:43,340 And I remember this little tin box. 453 00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:49,460 It was red and it had a lock on it, but it never worked. 454 00:21:53,460 --> 00:21:56,900 And on the lid, in gold letters, it said... 455 00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:01,980 "Tall oaks from little acorns grow." 456 00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:05,650 And inside there was foreign coins, 457 00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,100 paper clips.... 458 00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:10,890 And there was this photo, 459 00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:13,810 a little photo, a passport photo, 460 00:22:13,860 --> 00:22:15,260 black and white... 461 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:18,540 .. of this woman. 462 00:22:20,460 --> 00:22:23,820 And I had no idea who she was, it wasn't anyone I'd ever seen. 463 00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:27,140 And on the back... 464 00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:30,700 .. it said "Mary". 465 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:34,850 And... 466 00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:36,260 did she look like...? 467 00:22:40,180 --> 00:22:42,090 Oh, I don't know, it's hard to know. 468 00:22:42,140 --> 00:22:43,980 It's so long since, but... 469 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:50,050 .. as far as I can recall... 470 00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:53,370 I dunno, there might have been a resemblance. 471 00:22:53,420 --> 00:22:55,850 Could you ask him about the photo, see what he says? 472 00:22:55,900 --> 00:22:57,380 See if he reacts? 473 00:22:58,580 --> 00:22:59,660 Yeah. 474 00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:01,980 I could. 475 00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:04,420 But... 476 00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:08,500 Are you all right? 477 00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:12,660 He wouldn't do that to my mum. 478 00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:16,220 No, no. God, no. 479 00:23:18,180 --> 00:23:21,060 So I was thinking, er... 480 00:23:23,580 --> 00:23:26,290 So the thing is, I was thinking... 481 00:23:26,340 --> 00:23:27,660 Maybe you could... 482 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,220 .. talk to Celia... 483 00:23:34,060 --> 00:23:35,620 .. and she could tell him. 484 00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:38,970 You know, it'd be better coming from her. 485 00:23:39,020 --> 00:23:41,250 I'm terrified about his heart condition, Caroline. 486 00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:43,610 I don't want this thing hitting him from out of the blue. 487 00:23:43,660 --> 00:23:46,490 Yeah, but surely... 488 00:23:46,540 --> 00:23:49,090 if it is true, 489 00:23:49,140 --> 00:23:52,410 it's going to affect my mum really badly, too. 490 00:23:52,460 --> 00:23:53,770 Your mum? 491 00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:57,170 Oh, it destroyed her when she found out about my dad sleeping around. 492 00:23:57,220 --> 00:23:59,340 I mean, it killed her, it changed her. 493 00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:02,570 Yeah, but... 494 00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:05,500 even if it is him, which is stupid... 495 00:24:06,900 --> 00:24:09,290 It isn't like he's been unfaithful to her. 496 00:24:09,340 --> 00:24:11,730 Well, no, no, but, you know... 497 00:24:11,780 --> 00:24:13,610 If he's been unfaithful, full stop, 498 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:16,690 it'd put him in the same category as my dad in her book, wouldn't it? 499 00:24:16,740 --> 00:24:18,410 Would it? 500 00:24:18,460 --> 00:24:21,650 Well, yeah, I think, surely, it's got to come from you... 501 00:24:21,700 --> 00:24:25,010 if you don't want this fella talking to Alan himself. 502 00:24:25,060 --> 00:24:27,250 Yeah, but... 503 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:30,090 Look, if he's a troublemaker and it's all nonsense, 504 00:24:30,140 --> 00:24:32,170 your dad'll just say so, won't he? 505 00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:33,300 Yeah. 506 00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:35,940 Yeah. 507 00:24:37,580 --> 00:24:39,140 Yeah. 508 00:24:47,580 --> 00:24:49,170 What am I going to do? 509 00:24:49,220 --> 00:24:51,370 I don't think you've much alternative. 510 00:24:51,420 --> 00:24:52,730 Well, on the plus side, 511 00:24:52,780 --> 00:24:55,130 once you've sold your house and paid off your fines, 512 00:24:55,180 --> 00:24:58,730 you'd have quite a lot of money left over to rent somewhere with. 513 00:24:58,780 --> 00:25:01,370 Or you could buy another narrow boat. 514 00:25:01,420 --> 00:25:03,860 I'm not going near that canal ever again. 515 00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:06,730 How did it happen? 516 00:25:06,780 --> 00:25:08,220 It's easily done. 517 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,810 Back of stern got caught on cill in lock. 518 00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:15,010 You see, already it's double Dutch. 519 00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:16,730 Basically, he got back of his boat 520 00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:18,610 hooked onto the top of the lock gate, 521 00:25:18,660 --> 00:25:21,170 so when all the water drained out of the lock, 522 00:25:21,220 --> 00:25:24,530 the stern stayed up stuck to the gate 523 00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:28,020 and the bow sank down into the mud at the bottom of the lock. 524 00:25:29,780 --> 00:25:31,530 I could've been killed. 525 00:25:31,580 --> 00:25:34,210 Well, you shouldn't have been kaylied. 526 00:25:34,260 --> 00:25:37,140 It's easily done. You don't have to be kaylied. 527 00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:01,410 So, OK, so the bad news is that they couldn't fit us in at half term. 528 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:03,850 They're fully booked, jam-packed, wall-to-wall. 529 00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:06,370 But bizarrely, amazingly, as luck would have it, 530 00:26:06,420 --> 00:26:09,250 they've had a cancellation two weeks on Saturday. 531 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:11,010 11:30. 532 00:26:11,060 --> 00:26:12,460 What's this for? 533 00:26:15,380 --> 00:26:17,170 Oh. 534 00:26:17,220 --> 00:26:18,340 Well... 535 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:25,010 .. we've decided we're going to get married. 536 00:26:25,060 --> 00:26:27,170 It'll only be a small do, there's no need to panic. 537 00:26:27,220 --> 00:26:29,890 I was just going to ask you and Will, Mum and Alan 538 00:26:29,940 --> 00:26:33,540 and perhaps Auntie Muriel and a few people from work. 539 00:26:35,780 --> 00:26:37,060 Right. 540 00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:43,210 We thought, before the baby's born, we ought to... you know. 541 00:26:43,260 --> 00:26:44,980 You can ask Angus, if you like. 542 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:48,380 He's probably busy. 543 00:26:49,620 --> 00:26:51,060 Well, ask him. 544 00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:56,940 You hadn't told him. Sorry. 545 00:27:01,260 --> 00:27:04,010 Is it too soon, a fortnight on Saturday? 546 00:27:04,060 --> 00:27:05,610 No, no. 547 00:27:05,660 --> 00:27:06,930 No. 548 00:27:06,980 --> 00:27:09,930 The sooner, the better, as far as I'm concerned. 549 00:27:09,980 --> 00:27:11,410 How's the nursery? 550 00:27:11,460 --> 00:27:13,220 PHONE RINGS 551 00:27:14,780 --> 00:27:16,500 Oh, here we go. 552 00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:20,290 ~ John. ~ Caroline? 553 00:27:20,340 --> 00:27:21,690 Speaking. 554 00:27:21,740 --> 00:27:24,460 I just... I wondered, er... 555 00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:27,250 Are you all right? 556 00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:29,250 Yeah. 557 00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:30,570 No. 558 00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:32,140 Judith's, er, she's... 559 00:27:33,980 --> 00:27:35,500 She's lost the baby. 560 00:27:36,820 --> 00:27:38,980 We've been in hospital all day. 561 00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:42,970 But she's over 30... 562 00:27:43,020 --> 00:27:44,530 What's the matter? 563 00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:46,410 JOHN: Yes, it's... 564 00:27:46,460 --> 00:27:48,210 (Judith's lost the baby.) 565 00:27:48,260 --> 00:27:49,770 How? 566 00:27:49,820 --> 00:27:51,060 It's been awful. 567 00:27:53,180 --> 00:27:54,820 She had to give birth. 568 00:27:56,060 --> 00:27:58,260 Oh, good Lord. 569 00:28:00,060 --> 00:28:02,770 They said it was the only way, with it being 30 weeks. 570 00:28:02,820 --> 00:28:05,250 Apparently that's... that's what you do, so... 571 00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:07,130 (She had to give birth.) 572 00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:09,490 JOHN: So it's been pretty drawn out. 573 00:28:09,540 --> 00:28:12,020 And distressing in one way and another. 574 00:28:15,100 --> 00:28:16,820 I couldn't pop round, could I? 575 00:28:17,940 --> 00:28:19,810 (Can he pop round?) 576 00:28:19,860 --> 00:28:21,770 'Course. 577 00:28:21,820 --> 00:28:23,340 Yes, of course you can. 578 00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:28,050 I never even wanted it. 579 00:28:28,100 --> 00:28:29,380 No. 580 00:28:30,460 --> 00:28:32,010 But I didn't want this either. 581 00:28:32,060 --> 00:28:34,740 I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's been... 582 00:28:36,100 --> 00:28:37,940 Just sad, actually. Just... 583 00:28:39,420 --> 00:28:40,740 .. so sad. 584 00:28:41,740 --> 00:28:44,130 This little person who should've... 585 00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:47,810 run around and grazed her knees 586 00:28:47,860 --> 00:28:51,530 and grown up and lived to a ripe old age and... 587 00:28:51,580 --> 00:28:53,900 breathed the air long after we were gone. 588 00:28:55,340 --> 00:28:57,170 And she won't. 589 00:28:57,220 --> 00:28:58,820 She didn't even get to start. 590 00:29:01,860 --> 00:29:03,180 She just gets nothing... 591 00:29:05,060 --> 00:29:06,210 .. forever. 592 00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:07,540 Was it... 593 00:29:09,340 --> 00:29:11,050 .. definitely a she? 594 00:29:11,100 --> 00:29:12,900 Yes. Yes, a little girl. 595 00:29:16,540 --> 00:29:17,740 Life's so precious... 596 00:29:19,380 --> 00:29:22,970 .. and we just take it for granted, don't we? 597 00:29:23,020 --> 00:29:24,540 Squander it. 598 00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:28,860 He's in shock. You're in shock. 599 00:29:31,340 --> 00:29:32,580 Yeah. 600 00:29:34,580 --> 00:29:38,140 SHE MOUTHS 601 00:29:44,140 --> 00:29:46,610 ~ That's not fair. ~ He'd invalidated his insurance. 602 00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:48,490 ~ He's 75. ~ He were drunk! 603 00:29:48,540 --> 00:29:50,610 You can't make a man his age sell his house! 604 00:29:50,660 --> 00:29:52,730 And how else is he going to pay all his costs? 605 00:29:52,780 --> 00:29:54,340 BABY STARTS TO CRY 606 00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:57,490 ~ Have you told Mum? ~ No. 607 00:29:57,540 --> 00:29:59,290 How long do they give you to pay it? 608 00:29:59,340 --> 00:30:01,010 28 days. 609 00:30:01,060 --> 00:30:03,890 You can't. They can't expect you to sell your house in 28 days! 610 00:30:03,940 --> 00:30:06,450 How else is he going to raise that kind of money? 611 00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,130 She needs a bottle. 612 00:30:08,180 --> 00:30:09,930 Come on, then. Tuppence. 613 00:30:09,980 --> 00:30:12,330 Right! Well, I'll go find our Gillian, 614 00:30:12,380 --> 00:30:14,490 find out what it was she wanted to talk to me about. 615 00:30:14,540 --> 00:30:15,930 Do you want me to come with you? 616 00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:17,450 No, no, you stay... 617 00:30:17,500 --> 00:30:18,740 where it's warm. 618 00:30:23,940 --> 00:30:25,290 I'm going to get changed. 619 00:30:25,340 --> 00:30:26,660 All right, love. 620 00:30:36,260 --> 00:30:37,610 Hey, what's up? 621 00:30:37,660 --> 00:30:39,300 Breeched. 622 00:30:41,180 --> 00:30:43,290 I'll sort her out. 623 00:30:43,340 --> 00:30:45,540 What did you want to talk to me about? 624 00:30:47,540 --> 00:30:50,090 Oh, OK. 625 00:30:50,140 --> 00:30:51,540 Well... 626 00:30:53,220 --> 00:30:54,660 It's a bit delicate. 627 00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:02,970 Do you remember, when I was little, in the house up Barkisland... 628 00:31:03,020 --> 00:31:05,330 there was the bureau at the top of the stairs? 629 00:31:05,380 --> 00:31:07,460 ~ Oh. ~ And in it, there was all... stuff. 630 00:31:09,420 --> 00:31:12,610 And do you remember a little tin box, 631 00:31:12,660 --> 00:31:15,780 with a red cover, in the shape of a book? 632 00:31:17,780 --> 00:31:20,220 "Tall oaks from little acorns grow." 633 00:31:21,620 --> 00:31:25,410 And in it, there was a photo of a woman. 634 00:31:25,460 --> 00:31:27,330 And on the back, 635 00:31:27,380 --> 00:31:29,570 it said "Mary." 636 00:31:29,620 --> 00:31:30,900 Did it? 637 00:31:32,580 --> 00:31:33,890 Yeah. 638 00:31:33,940 --> 00:31:35,300 Yeah, it did. 639 00:31:40,300 --> 00:31:44,780 Did you ever know a woman called Mary Kershaw? 640 00:31:46,220 --> 00:31:47,660 No. 641 00:31:49,260 --> 00:31:51,780 No. No, I don't think so. 642 00:31:55,220 --> 00:31:57,250 I don't want to upset you. 643 00:31:57,300 --> 00:31:59,450 Well, you haven't told me owt yet. 644 00:31:59,500 --> 00:32:00,700 OK. So... 645 00:32:01,860 --> 00:32:03,180 OK, so... 646 00:32:04,380 --> 00:32:08,530 .. as mum always used to always say to me... 647 00:32:08,580 --> 00:32:11,660 "I won't be cross, if you just tell me the truth." 648 00:32:17,340 --> 00:32:20,300 Did you ever have a fling with someone... 649 00:32:21,700 --> 00:32:23,370 .. after you married me mum? 650 00:32:23,420 --> 00:32:24,540 No! 651 00:32:25,580 --> 00:32:27,060 Course I didn't! 652 00:32:29,220 --> 00:32:31,060 ~ Don't be so silly. ~ Right. 653 00:32:33,500 --> 00:32:34,890 Why would you think that? 654 00:32:34,940 --> 00:32:36,570 So who was this Mary? 655 00:32:36,620 --> 00:32:40,450 ~ I've no idea. ~ Mary in the tin. ~ I've got no idea. 656 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,130 Have you still got that tin? You know the tin I mean? 657 00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:46,170 I threw a lot of stuff out when I moved in here. 658 00:32:46,220 --> 00:32:48,980 Yes, yes, I know the tin you mean. 659 00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:53,820 It were a savings box from the Post Office. 660 00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:57,620 (OK.) 661 00:33:01,860 --> 00:33:05,780 You know yesterday, my date with Gary? 662 00:33:07,380 --> 00:33:08,860 Gary Jackson. 663 00:33:11,420 --> 00:33:13,860 Well, it turns out it wasn't me he was interested in... 664 00:33:16,140 --> 00:33:17,460 .. it was you. 665 00:33:20,140 --> 00:33:21,900 He thinks... 666 00:33:24,380 --> 00:33:27,530 He thinks you had a fling... 667 00:33:27,580 --> 00:33:30,420 with his mother, Mary Kershaw... 668 00:33:32,220 --> 00:33:33,860 .. and that you're his dad. 669 00:33:35,740 --> 00:33:37,930 Look, if it isn't true, it doesn't matter! 670 00:33:37,980 --> 00:33:39,540 I told him it'd be rubbish. 671 00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:45,490 It's just, I promised him... 672 00:33:45,540 --> 00:33:47,730 I'd ask you, because... 673 00:33:47,780 --> 00:33:50,820 Because he was a nice man, actually, and... 674 00:33:53,660 --> 00:33:55,810 .. if I didn't ask you, I was worried he would. 675 00:33:55,860 --> 00:33:59,100 Neither of us wanted to upset you, with your heart. 676 00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:02,530 What does he want? 677 00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:03,780 Nothing. Just... 678 00:34:06,060 --> 00:34:08,330 Just to know, I suppose. 679 00:34:08,380 --> 00:34:10,330 Right, well, 680 00:34:10,380 --> 00:34:13,980 he needs to know he's got hold of wrong end of t'stick. 681 00:34:15,580 --> 00:34:19,450 ~ He asked if you'd do a blood test. ~ No, I damn well won't. 682 00:34:19,500 --> 00:34:22,170 Right. Good. OK. Well, I'll tell him that. 683 00:34:22,220 --> 00:34:23,700 Cheeky beggar. 684 00:34:24,740 --> 00:34:26,060 OK. 685 00:34:27,660 --> 00:34:29,490 Well, is that it, then? 686 00:34:29,540 --> 00:34:31,340 ~ Can I go? ~ Sure. 687 00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:42,380 Are you all right? 688 00:34:44,380 --> 00:34:46,220 I did love your mum. 689 00:34:47,820 --> 00:34:49,220 I know. 690 00:34:50,940 --> 00:34:52,420 I know that. 691 00:34:53,420 --> 00:34:54,780 I didn't... 692 00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,940 I didn't know there'd been a child. 693 00:35:03,500 --> 00:35:05,020 Wow. 694 00:35:07,700 --> 00:35:10,130 It's shameful, a fella in his 70s being ordered 695 00:35:10,180 --> 00:35:12,930 by some over-privileged, toffee-nosed twat of a judge 696 00:35:12,980 --> 00:35:14,010 to sell his house. 697 00:35:14,060 --> 00:35:15,690 He could've killed someone. 698 00:35:15,740 --> 00:35:17,330 Yeah, but he didn't. 699 00:35:17,380 --> 00:35:19,450 He was enjoying his retirement! He had a mishap. 700 00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:22,250 Which would all have been fine had he not been over the limit. 701 00:35:22,300 --> 00:35:24,610 Who is it that he actually owes the money to? 702 00:35:24,660 --> 00:35:27,090 Who is it that's taken him to court? The council? 703 00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:28,250 No! It's erm... Who is it? 704 00:35:28,300 --> 00:35:30,530 ~ Waterways and Rivers Authority. ~ Yeah, them. 705 00:35:30,580 --> 00:35:32,420 Evil bastards. 706 00:36:06,060 --> 00:36:07,940 Your mum never knew. 707 00:36:11,620 --> 00:36:15,010 It finished before it even started, really. 708 00:36:15,060 --> 00:36:17,370 It were... ridiculous. 709 00:36:17,420 --> 00:36:19,290 An embarrassment. 710 00:36:19,340 --> 00:36:21,140 It should never have happened. 711 00:36:24,540 --> 00:36:26,410 How do you know she didn't know? 712 00:36:26,460 --> 00:36:27,740 She didn't. 713 00:36:30,140 --> 00:36:32,850 I'll have to take your word for it. 714 00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:35,370 What does he want? 715 00:36:35,420 --> 00:36:36,780 Nothing. 716 00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:42,290 I think he just wanted to know... 717 00:36:42,340 --> 00:36:45,580 for a fact, if it was true. 718 00:36:49,980 --> 00:36:51,740 What does he look like? 719 00:36:57,860 --> 00:37:00,220 You, actually. 720 00:37:02,500 --> 00:37:04,690 Taller. 721 00:37:04,740 --> 00:37:06,970 He's very dapper. 722 00:37:07,020 --> 00:37:08,450 He's very charming. 723 00:37:08,500 --> 00:37:11,050 ~ What does he do for a living? ~ I've got no idea. 724 00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:13,250 ~ He married? ~ I don't know. ~ Kids? 725 00:37:13,300 --> 00:37:15,050 Yes, three - Tim, Toots and Teeny(!) 726 00:37:15,100 --> 00:37:16,490 I've got no idea. 727 00:37:16,540 --> 00:37:18,090 There's no need to be snippy. 728 00:37:18,140 --> 00:37:19,420 Oh, really? 729 00:37:23,580 --> 00:37:27,530 I don't think we should tell Celia about this. 730 00:37:27,580 --> 00:37:29,260 What good would it do? 731 00:37:31,180 --> 00:37:34,490 Or is it a mistake not telling Celia? 732 00:37:34,540 --> 00:37:37,010 ~ I don't know. ~ I don't like having secrets from Celia. 733 00:37:37,060 --> 00:37:39,300 No. No, after all, it... 734 00:37:41,460 --> 00:37:44,940 It's not like it's her you've been unfaithful to, is it? 735 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:50,660 No, just me mum. 736 00:37:53,580 --> 00:37:54,740 And me. 737 00:37:56,580 --> 00:37:58,370 On the other hand, 738 00:37:58,420 --> 00:38:02,050 as Caroline pointed out, being unfaithful full stop in Celia's mind 739 00:38:02,100 --> 00:38:05,850 could put you in the same category, the same... 740 00:38:05,900 --> 00:38:07,570 doghouse, as Kenneth. 741 00:38:07,620 --> 00:38:10,050 What the hell does Caroline know about it? 742 00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:11,930 I mentioned it... on the phone. 743 00:38:11,980 --> 00:38:13,370 I didn't know how to tell you, 744 00:38:13,420 --> 00:38:15,930 so I thought if I told Caroline she could tell Celia, 745 00:38:15,980 --> 00:38:17,370 and then Celia could tell you. 746 00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:19,700 But then Caroline pointed out that that might not... 747 00:38:21,300 --> 00:38:22,650 .. be a great idea. 748 00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:24,610 Fancy telling Caroline! 749 00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:28,300 Eh, don't you get... shirty-bertie with me. 750 00:38:36,620 --> 00:38:37,810 So... 751 00:38:37,860 --> 00:38:39,260 what do you think? 752 00:38:40,300 --> 00:38:41,820 About meeting him? 753 00:38:43,740 --> 00:38:45,300 I'd need to think about it. 754 00:38:48,180 --> 00:38:49,340 OK. 755 00:38:53,700 --> 00:38:56,130 Have you taken your pills? 756 00:38:56,180 --> 00:38:57,380 Yeah. 757 00:39:06,580 --> 00:39:09,690 She wants to go buying another hat in the morning, 758 00:39:09,740 --> 00:39:11,100 Celia does. 759 00:39:12,340 --> 00:39:14,380 Caroline and Kate are getting wed. 760 00:39:16,660 --> 00:39:19,020 ~ Did she tell you? ~ No. 761 00:39:33,620 --> 00:39:36,090 I think you've got to bite the bullet. 762 00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:37,850 I have. 763 00:39:37,900 --> 00:39:40,970 I've rung t'estate agent, that one down Ripponden. 764 00:39:41,020 --> 00:39:43,730 She's popping up this aft. 765 00:39:43,780 --> 00:39:46,010 I'm very good at selling houses. 766 00:39:46,060 --> 00:39:49,810 I've sold four, and we always got the asking price. 767 00:39:49,860 --> 00:39:51,810 What you need, Harry, 768 00:39:51,860 --> 00:39:55,050 is a good tidy up and a lick of paint. 769 00:39:55,100 --> 00:39:56,930 I have tidied up. 770 00:39:56,980 --> 00:39:58,970 When? Recently? 771 00:39:59,020 --> 00:40:01,090 Yeah, just before you came. 772 00:40:01,140 --> 00:40:02,460 OK. 773 00:40:03,500 --> 00:40:05,810 I think what somebody'd be buying 774 00:40:05,860 --> 00:40:07,970 with a house like this 775 00:40:08,020 --> 00:40:09,690 is personality. 776 00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:12,010 I think... I'm only giving you an opinion. 777 00:40:12,060 --> 00:40:13,210 No, go on. 778 00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:17,050 I think your definition of tidied up and somebody else's might differ. 779 00:40:17,100 --> 00:40:19,130 Well, yeah, obviously. 780 00:40:19,180 --> 00:40:22,450 But anybody with an ounce of wit could see it's got potential. 781 00:40:22,500 --> 00:40:24,530 And you couldn't put a price on t'view 782 00:40:24,580 --> 00:40:27,730 ~ out of that velux window in the attic. ~ No, no. 783 00:40:27,780 --> 00:40:30,130 I think that's your big selling point. 784 00:40:30,180 --> 00:40:31,650 It's a blank canvas. 785 00:40:31,700 --> 00:40:35,940 Have you thought where you might move to if it did sell? 786 00:40:37,540 --> 00:40:39,330 I'd not move in with our Yvonne. 787 00:40:39,380 --> 00:40:41,210 ~ No. ~ No. 788 00:40:41,260 --> 00:40:44,210 Even if she asked me - which she wouldn't. 789 00:40:44,260 --> 00:40:46,650 I've got an appointment with local housing. 790 00:40:46,700 --> 00:40:48,170 I rang them this morning. 791 00:40:48,220 --> 00:40:49,850 Nice girl. 792 00:40:49,900 --> 00:40:52,340 But obviously there's a waiting list. 793 00:40:54,420 --> 00:40:55,810 Right! 794 00:40:55,860 --> 00:40:58,260 Shall we make tracks, Mr Buttershaw? 795 00:41:00,060 --> 00:41:02,210 I don't suppose I could move in at farm? 796 00:41:02,260 --> 00:41:04,610 No, you couldn't. There's not room. 797 00:41:04,660 --> 00:41:07,770 Aye, but you and Celia have got your little pad in Harrogate, 798 00:41:07,820 --> 00:41:09,490 happen I could doss in your room. 799 00:41:09,540 --> 00:41:11,860 Don't be so bloody daft. 800 00:41:18,020 --> 00:41:19,930 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: You don't have to come, man. 801 00:41:19,980 --> 00:41:22,210 ~ IN AMERICAN ACCENT: ~ I don't mind coming, dude. 802 00:41:22,260 --> 00:41:24,450 It'll be, like, boring, dude. 803 00:41:24,500 --> 00:41:27,850 So what? Saturdays are, like, boring anyway. 804 00:41:27,900 --> 00:41:30,850 They'd better not read out, like, any poems. 805 00:41:30,900 --> 00:41:32,490 Why not? 806 00:41:32,540 --> 00:41:35,370 Cos that will be truly embarrassing. 807 00:41:35,420 --> 00:41:36,650 Sorry, mate. 808 00:41:36,700 --> 00:41:39,410 Oh, yeah. Cos poems are, like, truly... 809 00:41:39,460 --> 00:41:42,890 Poems, no. Not poems as such, but poems that a lesbeano... 810 00:41:42,940 --> 00:41:44,490 NORMAL ACCENT: What? What's that? 811 00:41:44,540 --> 00:41:46,090 NORMAL ACCENT: It's nothing. 812 00:41:46,140 --> 00:41:47,500 ~ What is it? ~ Nothing! 813 00:41:51,220 --> 00:41:53,820 It's not worth it. It's not worth it! 814 00:42:01,860 --> 00:42:04,050 Who was it? 815 00:42:04,100 --> 00:42:06,170 ~ No-one. ~ Who was it? 816 00:42:06,220 --> 00:42:07,940 ~ No-one. ~ Who was it? 817 00:42:09,300 --> 00:42:10,780 Seb Dixon. 818 00:42:15,100 --> 00:42:17,170 Could you phone Sebastian Dixon's parents for me 819 00:42:17,220 --> 00:42:20,170 and explain to them that he's been involved in a homophobic incident? 820 00:42:20,220 --> 00:42:21,250 Do you have to...? 821 00:42:21,300 --> 00:42:23,810 And that I'd like to see them at their earliest convenience? 822 00:42:23,860 --> 00:42:25,530 Yes, I do have to. 823 00:42:25,580 --> 00:42:28,170 Are you coming a fortnight on Saturday, Angus, to the wedding? 824 00:42:28,220 --> 00:42:29,690 Has Lawrence invited you? 825 00:42:29,740 --> 00:42:31,220 Yep. Thank you. 826 00:42:32,300 --> 00:42:35,130 Nobody is going to bully or humiliate or ridicule me... 827 00:42:35,180 --> 00:42:37,050 ~ It's not just about...! ~ .. or anyone. 828 00:42:37,100 --> 00:42:38,500 ANYONE... 829 00:42:40,580 --> 00:42:42,020 .. in this school. 830 00:42:49,380 --> 00:42:50,810 Dark horse, isn't he, your dad? 831 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:52,300 Yup. 832 00:42:54,020 --> 00:42:55,700 You all right? 833 00:42:57,380 --> 00:43:00,850 I ought to be really... cross with him. 834 00:43:00,900 --> 00:43:03,180 I am really... cross with him. 835 00:43:05,100 --> 00:43:06,380 My mum. 836 00:43:08,300 --> 00:43:09,940 It's my mum and he's... 837 00:43:12,460 --> 00:43:14,660 And she never knew... he says. 838 00:43:16,380 --> 00:43:18,690 But how can I be cross with him, with his heart? 839 00:43:18,740 --> 00:43:20,140 I can't say, "You..." 840 00:43:21,660 --> 00:43:23,610 ".. shag bandit." 841 00:43:23,660 --> 00:43:27,610 And all the stuff he's called ME over t'years! 842 00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:29,850 Was it just that once? 843 00:43:29,900 --> 00:43:31,260 He says. 844 00:43:33,060 --> 00:43:34,860 Do you think there were others? 845 00:43:36,540 --> 00:43:38,780 I've not asked. I don't want to know. 846 00:43:42,060 --> 00:43:44,850 I can't imagine there were. 847 00:43:44,900 --> 00:43:48,010 But Caroline says she couldn't imagine her dad... 848 00:43:48,060 --> 00:43:49,450 How did it happen? 849 00:43:49,500 --> 00:43:50,930 How does a fella like your dad 850 00:43:50,980 --> 00:43:53,050 end up getting into bed with somebody else? 851 00:43:53,100 --> 00:43:54,250 I don't, I've not... 852 00:43:54,300 --> 00:43:55,780 I'm not going there. 853 00:43:57,100 --> 00:43:59,890 Maybe it was an in-the-back-of-a-car, knee-tremble-type job. 854 00:43:59,940 --> 00:44:01,540 Shh! 855 00:44:03,900 --> 00:44:05,530 So does Celia know? 856 00:44:05,580 --> 00:44:07,730 No. Shit, no. Not yet. 857 00:44:07,780 --> 00:44:09,010 Is he going to tell her? 858 00:44:09,060 --> 00:44:10,460 I don't know. 859 00:44:12,020 --> 00:44:13,490 So what's he after, 860 00:44:13,540 --> 00:44:15,060 this Gary? 861 00:44:16,380 --> 00:44:17,490 Nothing. 862 00:44:17,540 --> 00:44:18,770 Money? 863 00:44:18,820 --> 00:44:20,890 ~ No. ~ Compensation? 864 00:44:20,940 --> 00:44:23,650 No. He doesn't seem short of money. 865 00:44:23,700 --> 00:44:25,660 Yeah, well, don't you be fooled. 866 00:44:32,060 --> 00:44:34,130 Caroline and Kate are getting married. 867 00:44:34,180 --> 00:44:35,930 Are they? 868 00:44:35,980 --> 00:44:37,450 Are they? 869 00:44:37,500 --> 00:44:39,330 Apparently. 870 00:44:39,380 --> 00:44:41,090 You going? 871 00:44:41,140 --> 00:44:44,730 Just the toffs been invited, by the sound of things. 872 00:44:44,780 --> 00:44:46,740 HE SIGHS 873 00:44:49,980 --> 00:44:51,450 How's Cheryl? 874 00:44:51,500 --> 00:44:53,570 Ohh... 875 00:44:53,620 --> 00:44:55,180 she wants a new kitchen. 876 00:45:05,020 --> 00:45:06,420 Oh, damn. 877 00:45:07,460 --> 00:45:10,970 Do you think this colour's too rich? Too vivid? 878 00:45:11,020 --> 00:45:14,690 Should I have gone for something more pastelly? 879 00:45:14,740 --> 00:45:16,370 I've no idea. 880 00:45:16,420 --> 00:45:18,650 Well, I'm asking for an opinion. 881 00:45:18,700 --> 00:45:20,740 I think it looks very nice. 882 00:45:22,300 --> 00:45:24,410 ~ What's up? ~ Nothing. 883 00:45:24,460 --> 00:45:27,260 You've been quiet all day. 884 00:45:28,420 --> 00:45:30,610 Why were you so snippy with Harry? 885 00:45:30,660 --> 00:45:32,220 Sorry. 886 00:45:33,460 --> 00:45:34,780 I love you. 887 00:45:36,020 --> 00:45:37,540 I love you. 888 00:45:43,100 --> 00:45:45,410 Do you remember when you came out of hospital? 889 00:45:45,460 --> 00:45:47,890 You said you'd decided it was time to give life 890 00:45:47,940 --> 00:45:49,770 a real kick up the trousers? 891 00:45:49,820 --> 00:45:51,850 Yeah. 892 00:45:51,900 --> 00:45:55,730 Kenneth's sister lives in Australia. 893 00:45:55,780 --> 00:45:57,810 Deborah. Debbie. We always got on. 894 00:45:57,860 --> 00:45:59,210 You see. 895 00:45:59,260 --> 00:46:00,530 What? 896 00:46:00,580 --> 00:46:04,260 There's stuff about each other we still don't know. 897 00:46:05,900 --> 00:46:09,250 Toowoomba. It's just left of Brisbane. 898 00:46:09,300 --> 00:46:12,330 Her husband got a post with the university. 899 00:46:12,380 --> 00:46:15,090 Education. He taught people how to be teachers. 900 00:46:15,140 --> 00:46:18,290 Course, he's retired now. Has been for 20 years. 901 00:46:18,340 --> 00:46:20,010 Do you keep in touch? 902 00:46:20,060 --> 00:46:22,010 An e-mail at Christmas. 903 00:46:22,060 --> 00:46:24,090 I told her about us. 904 00:46:24,140 --> 00:46:26,020 She was really happy for us. 905 00:46:29,180 --> 00:46:30,810 We've got all this money 906 00:46:30,860 --> 00:46:35,010 that we reckon to be spending on buying a house. 907 00:46:35,060 --> 00:46:37,050 But the alternative - 908 00:46:37,100 --> 00:46:39,290 and I never thought I'd hear myself say this, 909 00:46:39,340 --> 00:46:41,170 cos all my life I've been a saver - 910 00:46:41,220 --> 00:46:45,730 is that we spend it doing something daft. 911 00:46:45,780 --> 00:46:48,610 Something memorable. 912 00:46:48,660 --> 00:46:51,290 Do you fancy getting away? 913 00:46:51,340 --> 00:46:52,930 A holiday. 914 00:46:52,980 --> 00:46:54,690 A big trip. 915 00:46:54,740 --> 00:46:57,530 We could go and see Ted and all their lot. 916 00:46:57,580 --> 00:46:59,530 Yes. 917 00:46:59,580 --> 00:47:01,020 Yes, I would. 918 00:47:15,660 --> 00:47:17,540 GARY CLEARS HIS THROAT 919 00:47:19,820 --> 00:47:21,660 I got your text. 920 00:47:24,780 --> 00:47:25,970 Hi. 921 00:47:26,020 --> 00:47:27,220 Hi. 922 00:47:29,980 --> 00:47:31,690 Erm... 923 00:47:31,740 --> 00:47:35,250 I've got a break in, like, a half an hour or so... 924 00:47:35,300 --> 00:47:36,690 if you fancy a coffee. 925 00:47:36,740 --> 00:47:38,100 OK. 926 00:47:39,780 --> 00:47:41,900 But the basic, erm... 927 00:47:43,460 --> 00:47:45,940 .. gist is that it's... 928 00:47:48,140 --> 00:47:49,380 It's true. 929 00:47:51,020 --> 00:47:52,500 He's your dad. 930 00:47:53,780 --> 00:47:55,700 He's your father. 931 00:47:57,780 --> 00:47:59,180 My father is... 932 00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:07,780 Blimey. 933 00:48:11,460 --> 00:48:13,780 Shocked. Upset. 934 00:48:14,820 --> 00:48:16,380 Really? 935 00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:20,500 Well, it's tricky for him, with Celia. 936 00:48:22,140 --> 00:48:24,450 Her first husband was a bit of a one, 937 00:48:24,500 --> 00:48:27,650 so it wasn't a very happy marriage. 938 00:48:27,700 --> 00:48:30,770 Whereas, you see, she thinks me dad, 939 00:48:30,820 --> 00:48:33,810 in comparison, is squeaky-clean. 940 00:48:33,860 --> 00:48:35,370 Ah. 941 00:48:35,420 --> 00:48:39,540 ~ So. ~ Did he... Did he show any interest in wanting to meet me? 942 00:48:41,620 --> 00:48:43,410 He asked what you looked like. 943 00:48:43,460 --> 00:48:45,290 ~ I don't want to cause any problems. ~ No. 944 00:48:45,340 --> 00:48:48,420 But I would like to meet him, if... If he... 945 00:48:50,300 --> 00:48:51,460 I don't know. 946 00:48:53,980 --> 00:48:56,490 Do you think he'd want to meet me? 947 00:48:56,540 --> 00:48:58,970 I think he's worried about what it is you'd want. 948 00:48:59,020 --> 00:49:00,930 I don't want anything. 949 00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:03,250 He's not loaded. 950 00:49:03,300 --> 00:49:04,810 It's not about money. 951 00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:06,290 No, I didn't think it was. 952 00:49:06,340 --> 00:49:10,500 I think maybe it's more he's worried about what you expect. 953 00:49:12,380 --> 00:49:14,130 He's just... 954 00:49:14,180 --> 00:49:16,450 a very ordinary little fella. 955 00:49:16,500 --> 00:49:18,170 Does he not want to meet me? 956 00:49:18,220 --> 00:49:20,410 He didn't... He didn't say that. 957 00:49:20,460 --> 00:49:22,730 I just want to say hello, really, I suppose, 958 00:49:22,780 --> 00:49:24,300 now that we know for a fact. 959 00:49:26,580 --> 00:49:28,020 I think that's all I want. 960 00:49:29,700 --> 00:49:32,980 Maybe that's not enough of a reason, if he doesn't want to. 961 00:49:41,620 --> 00:49:43,060 I've never had a brother. 962 00:49:45,180 --> 00:49:46,700 I've never had a sister. 963 00:50:05,820 --> 00:50:07,810 ~ You all right? ~ Yeah. 964 00:50:07,860 --> 00:50:10,980 ~ Where's Celia? ~ Bathroom. 965 00:50:13,380 --> 00:50:15,780 I saw Gary, this aft. 966 00:50:17,460 --> 00:50:19,220 I told him. 967 00:50:22,860 --> 00:50:24,100 He'd like to meet you. 968 00:50:25,460 --> 00:50:26,690 He asked me if you would. 969 00:50:26,740 --> 00:50:28,850 I'm not... I told you, I'm not sure. 970 00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:31,130 I'd need to think about it. 971 00:50:31,180 --> 00:50:32,700 ~ Why? ~ Just... 972 00:50:36,060 --> 00:50:37,660 He's a nice man. 973 00:50:41,540 --> 00:50:42,900 Morning. 974 00:50:44,540 --> 00:50:46,850 ~ What time are Seb's parents coming in? ~ Half past nine. 975 00:50:46,900 --> 00:50:49,610 ~ What you going to say to them? ~ Nothing. I'm not dealing with it. 976 00:50:49,660 --> 00:50:51,490 ~ Mr Harrison is. ~ Why? 977 00:50:51,540 --> 00:50:54,490 Because it's the most appropriate way of dealing with it. 978 00:50:54,540 --> 00:50:57,210 What if Seb's parents decide to kick up a fuss, 979 00:50:57,260 --> 00:50:58,250 about you being...? 980 00:50:58,300 --> 00:51:00,170 Oh, they'd be very misguided and stupid 981 00:51:00,220 --> 00:51:01,810 to try anything like that. 982 00:51:01,860 --> 00:51:03,090 I'm a good head teacher, 983 00:51:03,140 --> 00:51:05,970 my private life has got nothing to do with the quality of my work. 984 00:51:06,020 --> 00:51:08,210 Well, you know, they gave birth to Seb, 985 00:51:08,260 --> 00:51:09,570 they probably are very stupid. 986 00:51:09,620 --> 00:51:12,450 He chose to raise the issue by putting that note on your back. 987 00:51:12,500 --> 00:51:13,770 If he or his family 988 00:51:13,820 --> 00:51:17,050 are going to try and use it as a stick to beat either you or me with, 989 00:51:17,100 --> 00:51:19,370 in the misguided belief that I'll take it lying down, 990 00:51:19,420 --> 00:51:20,940 they're mistaken. 991 00:51:27,740 --> 00:51:32,100 PHONE RINGS 992 00:51:38,860 --> 00:51:40,570 Hi. 993 00:51:40,620 --> 00:51:42,490 Hi, how are things? 994 00:51:42,540 --> 00:51:44,970 Erm... fine. 995 00:51:45,020 --> 00:51:46,810 I've not heard from my mother for a few days 996 00:51:46,860 --> 00:51:49,250 and I just wondered if there'd been any developments 997 00:51:49,300 --> 00:51:51,930 with this... Gary business... 998 00:51:51,980 --> 00:51:53,610 situation? 999 00:51:53,660 --> 00:51:56,690 Oh, yeah. Erm, yeah. 1000 00:51:56,740 --> 00:51:58,500 I should've rung you. Sorry. 1001 00:52:00,380 --> 00:52:02,690 ~ Definitely? ~ Apparently. 1002 00:52:02,740 --> 00:52:05,730 Well, he definitely had a fling with this woman, and the dates fit, so... 1003 00:52:05,780 --> 00:52:08,330 ~ Yeah. ~ God, you never can tell, can you? 1004 00:52:08,380 --> 00:52:10,490 ~ My mother still doesn't know. ~ Ooh. 1005 00:52:10,540 --> 00:52:13,450 He's going to meet him. Apparently. Alan's going to meet this Gary. 1006 00:52:13,500 --> 00:52:16,490 Gillian's fixed them up with a date in some tea shop in Halifax next week. 1007 00:52:16,540 --> 00:52:19,650 She's going to take my mother out shopping for a new outfit for our wedding. 1008 00:52:19,700 --> 00:52:22,530 So it's all going on behind her back. She thinks her and Gillian 1009 00:52:22,580 --> 00:52:24,610 are having a girlie day out when, in fact, 1010 00:52:24,660 --> 00:52:26,650 it's just a ruse to get her out of the way. 1011 00:52:26,700 --> 00:52:28,170 That's more or less how she said it - 1012 00:52:28,220 --> 00:52:30,330 "Like I'd choose "to spend a day with your mother." 1013 00:52:30,380 --> 00:52:34,450 ~ I thought, "Don't you damn well talk about my mother like that". ~ She didn't say that. ~ The subtext. 1014 00:52:34,500 --> 00:52:36,460 You didn't... say anything? 1015 00:52:37,620 --> 00:52:40,450 Well, yes, in fact, I did. 1016 00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:43,210 OK, well, Gillian, I'm sorry, 1017 00:52:43,260 --> 00:52:45,290 and I understand it's a difficult situation 1018 00:52:45,340 --> 00:52:48,330 and I really don't want to make it any worse than it is, but he - 1019 00:52:48,380 --> 00:52:51,290 well, someone - is going to have to tell my mother at some point, 1020 00:52:51,340 --> 00:52:52,610 and if none of you do, I will. 1021 00:52:52,660 --> 00:52:54,450 Because my dad deceived her for years, 1022 00:52:54,500 --> 00:52:57,890 and I am not - NOT - having that happen again. Ever. 1023 00:52:57,940 --> 00:53:00,770 SHE MOUTHS 1024 00:53:00,820 --> 00:53:02,970 The thing is, Caroline, 1025 00:53:03,020 --> 00:53:04,730 nobody wants to deceive anybody. 1026 00:53:04,780 --> 00:53:08,130 I just, I think if he meets him... first 1027 00:53:08,180 --> 00:53:12,170 and gets that out of the way, sort of thing. Yeah? 1028 00:53:12,220 --> 00:53:14,210 Yeah. 1029 00:53:14,260 --> 00:53:16,210 OK. 1030 00:53:16,260 --> 00:53:18,130 Right. 1031 00:53:18,180 --> 00:53:19,900 ~ OK. ~ Thank you. 1032 00:53:23,060 --> 00:53:25,290 Congratulations, by the way... 1033 00:53:25,340 --> 00:53:28,580 Oh! Yeah. Thank you. 1034 00:53:29,780 --> 00:53:31,260 ..on being a lesbian. 1035 00:53:33,740 --> 00:53:36,860 Are you busy? A fortnight on Saturday? 1036 00:53:37,980 --> 00:53:39,810 Oh, erm... 1037 00:53:39,860 --> 00:53:41,810 You and Raff, Ellie and the baby. 1038 00:53:41,860 --> 00:53:44,180 11:30 at the Register Office in Harrogate. 1039 00:53:46,460 --> 00:53:48,570 Well, we... We... 1040 00:53:48,620 --> 00:53:51,930 It's not going to be a big do, it's not... Don't feel obliged. 1041 00:53:51,980 --> 00:53:54,450 It's just us and one or two of my friends from Oxford 1042 00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:56,050 and a few of Kate's friends from UEA 1043 00:53:56,100 --> 00:53:58,610 and one or two senior members of staff, it's not... 1044 00:53:58,660 --> 00:54:02,980 You know, you don't have to, you know, feel obliged. Erm... 1045 00:54:04,140 --> 00:54:06,490 Sorry, it's... 1046 00:54:06,540 --> 00:54:09,820 Yeah, sorry. Damn, sorry, we're, erm... 1047 00:54:11,180 --> 00:54:13,450 Well, I know it's short notice. 1048 00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,050 Sadly, yeah. 1049 00:54:15,100 --> 00:54:17,090 We're, erm, yeah, busy. 1050 00:54:17,140 --> 00:54:20,730 Otherwise, YEAH, we'd have loved to have... yeah... 1051 00:54:20,780 --> 00:54:23,260 been there. 1052 00:54:25,260 --> 00:54:27,370 OK. 1053 00:54:27,420 --> 00:54:30,210 Hmmm. So. 1054 00:54:30,260 --> 00:54:35,060 He wasn't unfaithful to HER, though, was he? 1055 00:54:37,660 --> 00:54:39,460 I don't think it matters. 1056 00:54:41,940 --> 00:54:43,890 She'll be gutted. 1057 00:54:43,940 --> 00:54:45,580 She'll be devastated. 1058 00:54:46,740 --> 00:54:49,290 But I DO know she'd never forgive me if she knew that I'd known 1059 00:54:49,340 --> 00:54:50,900 and not said anything. 1060 00:55:00,780 --> 00:55:03,250 I don't know why you won't come with us! 1061 00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:07,010 Oh, I don't want to go trailing round clothes shops. 1062 00:55:07,060 --> 00:55:09,410 Hey, hey, hey! Don't spend up. 1063 00:55:09,460 --> 00:55:11,020 Ta-ta! 1064 00:55:14,020 --> 00:55:15,620 Bye. 1065 00:56:01,340 --> 00:56:02,540 Gary? 1066 00:56:03,660 --> 00:56:05,100 Alan. Hello. 1067 00:56:11,740 --> 00:56:14,290 Kate's my wife's girlfriend. 1068 00:56:14,340 --> 00:56:16,610 Why did you let him go with you? 1069 00:56:16,660 --> 00:56:19,530 She never told me, I had NO idea. 1070 00:56:19,580 --> 00:56:21,250 So what did he say, what does he want? 1071 00:56:21,300 --> 00:56:24,370 He asked me if we'd like to go and have a meal, at his house. 1072 00:56:24,420 --> 00:56:25,650 Oh, my God. 1073 00:56:25,700 --> 00:56:29,450 There was an incident at work involving Cheryl. 1074 00:56:29,500 --> 00:56:31,970 ~ I've heard the news. ~ Which news? 1075 00:56:32,020 --> 00:56:33,500 So you lost your job. 1076 00:56:34,540 --> 00:56:37,330 In just over three hours' time, 1077 00:56:37,380 --> 00:56:39,770 we'll be shackled to each other forever. 1078 00:56:39,820 --> 00:56:43,490 What the hell were you doing telling Caroline for? 1079 00:56:43,540 --> 00:56:45,370 He hasn't told her! 1080 00:56:45,420 --> 00:56:47,290 I know there's something bothering you, 1081 00:56:47,340 --> 00:56:50,140 I wish you'd let on what it is.